Christmas Nuts
by risbeencoldplaywhore
Summary: A story so wrong, it will make you miss the Christmas Shoes song.
1. Chapter 1

**Happy Holidays! This is a little crackfic that we have written just for shits and giggles. It made us laugh, so we hoped it will do the same for you. It will be short little drabbles posted over the 12 days before Christmas, so expect three-four chapters a day. Consider it our Christmas gift to you, for being such sweet and wonderful readers.**

**This hasn't been beta'd, since we didn't want to expose MaggieMay14 to this madness early. She may thank us for that.**

**Disclaimer: We don't own Twilight, but we both adore Christmas.**

**EPOV**

"So...my mom is probably going to make you sleep in the guest room," I explained to Bella as I glanced at her in the passenger seat of my car and she gave me a gentle smile. God, she was beautiful and she was far too nice to be taking home to my family.

"You mentioned that already, Edward," she replied with a small sigh. "You know, for a guy who insisted on taking his girlfriend home for the holidays, you are pretty damn nervous about it all." Shit. She had caught on.

"Well, your parents were going away on that cruise for the holidays, so I figured it was a great time for you to meet my family," I admitted as I reached across the console and took her hand tightly in my free one. "It's just... they are... different."

"I've heard it all before, baby. Emmett and Jasper are married and they just adopted a little boy. Alice is a bit precocious and girly, even though she's 19 and in her first year at college. Your mom needs help from either medication or liquor to manage through her day and your dad...I believe you referred to him as random."

That was an understatement if I ever heard one.

We turned off the Bogachiel Way, onto our hidden driveway, and travelled down the winding, snow covered road, as my hands gripped the steering wheel tightly. Yes, I wanted to bring Bella home to meet the family, especially since I wanted her to become a part of it. I was just nervous that they would do something to drive her away. After all, it wouldn't be the first time I was embarrassed by my family.

"Listen, if you don't want me to meet them yet, we could just go check into the local Hilton or something." I snorted, imagining Forks with a Hilton. Yeah, there was no way that would happen. The town was lucky it had a Motel 6 and a Pine Cone Motel. Neither of which I would subject Bella to.

As I pulled the car into park, I noticed there were already four cars beside mine. Great, everyone was already home, I thought sarcastically as I turned the car off and looked at my girl. She was so supportive and sweet; I couldn't believe I had gotten so lucky in finding her.

"Before we go in there, I have to give you a few more insights." Bella looked at me oddly as I let out a small cough and then began. "The house will probably smell like weed, or maybe pine tree and weed, since it's the holidays. My dad smokes it, but he doesn't think we know. Don't say anything about it, he's a little sensitive."

"Okay," Bella replied hesitantly.

"My mother has a cat named Snickers, I hate it. It hates me. You will probably be hated by association, so just steer clear."

"From a ... cat?"

"Yeah, it's the spawn of Satan."

"Anything else?"

"Yes... for the love of god, regardless of anything that my family might say, please don't leave me alone with them."

Bella let out a small chuckle and opened her door to step into the cool Forks night air. She smiled at me, certain that things couldn't be as bad as I made them out to be. However, I met Bella almost two years ago, and it's taken me _this_ long to bring her home. You'll find out why.


	2. Chapter 2

**Risbee is at the lamest dirty santa party ever (picture frames anyone?) and coldplaywhore just watched survivor and thinks Brandon is a cottonheaded ninnymuggins. **

**We don't own Twilight; we do own Snickers. Enjoy the randomness.  
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**BPOV**

I looked over at Edward, not really sure why he was so nervous. Granted, I'd never officially met his family, but I'd seen pictures and talked to his mom briefly on his phone when I accidentally answered it and they seemed perfectly normal.

I also knew what it was like to have crazy family experiences at the holidays. I smiled sweetly at Edward as he grabbed my bag from the trunk, worried that he could read my mind as I remembered that once, my dad and my cousin had an impromptu Christmas choral concert and sang every carol in their repertoire. Did I forget to mention that they were tone-deaf? Seriously, between the two of them, their range included 2 notes. Two. Never let it be said that the Swan's didn't know how to get rowdy. Scandalous even.

"Edward, really, they can't be that bad. You need to relax. If you walk inside that house right now, looking like you're about to vomit, you're mom is going to hate me."

And now I was nervous. Fantastic.

That seemed to pull Edward out of wherever he was in his head and he dropped the bags, pinning me against the car.

Yum.

I'll ignore the fact that he scanned the perimeter before leaning in and kissing me like a man taking his last breath.

"We may not get to do that again before we head back to Seattle," he said, reminding me, again, that...and my thoughts were interrupted as he went back for more and more and more. God, how I wanted more. How long were we here again? Five days? A week? He scoffed at my hotel idea earlier, but at this point, I was willing to rough it in the woods with a tent and some sleeping bags if it meant we could have some private time.

Maybe nobody had noticed that we had arrived and we had time to go back down the driveway and enjoy a quickie in the backseat. Never mind that we had done that at a rest stop on the way because, once again, I was trying to ease his nerves. Which reminded me, "Um Edward, don't forget that your sweater is on inside out."

He rested his forehead against mine and started laughing as he quickly switched up his sweater so he looked proper. He picked up the bags again, groaning at the weight and we turned to look at the house.

It was gorgeous. White lights tastefully twinkled in greenery wrapped around the railings of the front porch. More lights in the windows and the air smelled of evergreen and Christmas trees and suspiciously enough, like...oh wait, Edward warned me about that.

His dad must be home.

The front door opened and who I could only assume was his mom, stepped out on the wraparound porch. I made a face at Edward because she certainly didn't look like a drunk or a nut job. She looked very much like a mom who would have made cookies for the PTA meeting and volunteered for field trips. I was beginning to think there was a little bit of exaggerating going on. I mean, the place looked like it was meant to be on a Lifetime Holiday movie, his mom was wrapped in a bright red shawl/pashmina/whatever they're called these days.

She looked like a Norman Rockwell painting come to life as she held a tray with two steaming mugs of what I could only guess was hot chocolate and this little white ball of fluff was sitting demurely at her feet.

"Edward, this is just lovely. I'm so glad you convinced me to come with you. Honestly, I think you're worried about nothing and we're going to have a great time." There was no response and it was getting a little awkward as I looked at his mom and she looked at me and I looked at her and she kept looking at me.

"Edward?" I turned and he was gone. What the hell?

"Up here." He was crouched on the top of the car; yes the top, looking like he was going to cry.

"Seriously, you're starting to look a bit ridiculous. You're mom is waiting and I'd really like to meet the rest of your family."

"She's looking at me!" he whispered.

"Of course she is. I'm looking at you too. Most people don't hang out on the tops of cars, at least, not where I'm from."

"Not my mom, Bella. The cat, Snickers. She knows I'm home."


	3. Chapter 3

**Morning All! Time for another dash of crazy with a side of 'what the fuck'. All of your reviews make us giggle. As for the Snickers POV... you never know, it may happen :)**

**We don't own Twilight, but Snickers is all ours. Not the candy bar, the cat.**

**EPOV**

I could swear that the little beast of burden was snickering at me as I climbed down from the top of car and tried to act like everything was okay. Bella looked at me like I was crazy and the expression hadn't changed on my mother's face.

Snickers gave a little head nod, like she thought that her job was done, and sauntered back into the house like she owned the place. Little furry bitch.

"Edward, are you going to spend your holidays outside this year?" my mother asked succinctly. Apparently having heard my name since my mother was anything but quiet, Emmett made his way to the door grinning like a mad man.

"Welcome home, little bro," he said excitedly as he came down the front steps to help me carry the luggage. "This must be the little lady," he said as he winked at Bella. "My little lady is inside wrapping some Christmas presents, but you'll get to meet each other soon."

"I'm guessing you are Emmett," Bella said sweetly as she offered him her hand and he kissed it a little too dramatically, with a curtsy and all.

"That's me. When they made me they broke the mold," he announced as I whispered 'and beat the hell out of the mold maker' under my breath. Bella and I followed his hulking form up the front stairs and I watched anxiously as my mother stared down Bella like she wasn't sure what she thought of her.

"Your house is decorated beautifully, Mrs. Cullen," Bella said sweetly as she took the offered hot chocolate from her tray and gave a small smile.

"Thank you but that is all Emmett's doing. He's clearly been bitten by the Christmas bug," she declared coolly. "If it was up to me, there wouldn't be any decorations up to begin with. It's just a wasted expense for such a short period of time."

"Mom," I chided gently as I took my own drink.

"I wish we were Jewish, they don't have to go too all this expense. The lucky buggars don't get Christmas."

"Umm... Mrs. Cullen I believe they spend eight days celebrating Hanukkah and for Christmas we only have to celebrate for one day," Bella corrected her as I saw my mother lift one eye brow, clearly unimpressed that Bella had challenged her. "But umm... I could be wrong?"

"Well anyways, come on in, it's getting cold and Emmett has probably sorted through your luggage looking for his gifts. We're having roast beef tonight for dinner. You do eat meat, don't you, Bella?" my mother asked, her voice brimming with animosity.

"Bella, I'd love for you to meet my better half, Jasper," Emmett declared as he came back into the room and Bella's mouth hung open a little bit. "He's the cutest little cowboy isn't he?" Emmett asked as I watched in surprise as he patted Jasper on the ass and then little Laurent, my new nephew came bounding into the room.

"I have two daddies!" he shouted excitedly.

"I see that," Bella replied as she turned slowly to look at me, her face showing every ounce of shock. "I umm... I thought Jasper was a girl. I mean... what kind of a name is Jasper?"

Wow, the holiday was off to a _great_ start, wasn't it?


	4. Chapter 4

**You guys are honest to god the best readers in the fandom. Even Snickers thinks so!**

**We don't own Twilight. Risbee wishes she owned Masen Jar wine glasses.**

**BPOV**

What kind of a name is Jasper? Open mouth, insert foot. Did I really ask that out loud?

Apparently.

So as I looked and all these sets of eyes were just staring at me, I began to feel a hint of embarrassment. Even Laurent, Emmett and Jasper's adopted Malawian son, was looking at me like I had just shot his grandmother.

Great. I'd metaphorically shot Edward's mother at Christmas. Which would explain why Edward was obviously mortified and palming his face beside me.

"Edward, I'd like to call my parents and see if it is too late for me to join them on their cruise. Obviously, I've made everybody uncomfortable and it's probably best if I just leave."

He started to protest, albeit weakly, but I was determined.

Emmett was over in the corner, his arms wrapped protectively around Jasper who was bawling uncontrollably and Esme muttered something under her breath about someone named Tanya, dinner and the kids table.

Oh hell no, she was _not_putting me at the kids' table. I was overwhelmed with visions of Laurent and me sitting alone in the foyer, with a card table and mismatched chairs, while Edward and his family recounted stories of holidays past and even Snickers ate her Christmas dinner out of a crystal goblet like those cat food commercials.

And I was suddenly very hungry, like munchies-level hungry. I wanted Funions in a bad way or Captain Crunch cereal. Oooh! Or Breadsticks! Yes! Breadsticks.

Damn it. I had really hoped to meet Carlisle.

The downward spiral of events was starting to become overwhelming. I couldn't help but feel like maybe it would just be best if I called a cab and Edward wouldn't have to leave. He could start doing damage control and maybe I'd be welcome back in fifteen or twenty years. That was _if_Edward was still speaking to me when we returned to Seattle after Christmas.

I started to walk towards the front door, intent on getting the hell out of there as fast as I could, when I felt a massive hand grab hold of my shoulder. I don't know why I was surprised, I totally had it coming, though I guess I had hoped that maybe Edward would deflect some of the animosity. Or at least try. Then again, he had tried to hide from a cat, so maybe I didn't know as much about him as I thought I did.

I inhaled deeply, preparing myself from the verbal beating I was surely about to face, but when I turned, all I saw were smiles and teary eyes. "Bella, I'd like to thank you."

What the fuck?

"Something in your words triggered a breakthrough in Jasper. We've been trying for years to figure out why he was so emotionally distant from everybody, but when you said that, the years of taunting he received from classmates all came back to him and now he remembers why he hates his parents so much. Why he doesn't trust. Why he doesn't let anybody in. Well, except me...he rather prefers it when I'm in." Emmett smirked at me before turning to Jasper to wink at him salaciously. Oh my god that was not a visual I ever wanted, except there was a tingly response in my body that made me acknowledge that boy lovin' was way hot.

I was totally going to have to check out my tumblr page tonight.

But first, I was going to have to find something to eat. And definitely be introduced to Carlisle.


	5. Chapter 5

**You guys are effing hilarious in your reviews. We giggle incessantly and that's saying alot, cause we're not really gigglers. We're sarcastic bitches.**

**We don't own Twilight. CPW now owns Coldplay concert tickets for her birthday next July LOL.**

**EPOV**

Okay, this was getting stranger by the minute. Bella was under some weird misconception that Jasper was a woman, and got the shock of her life when she found out otherwise. Then, her word vomit somehow made Jasper evoke thoughts from his youth and recall just why he hated his parents. I had always thought Jasper was just quiet, but apparently it was just the opposite.

"Are you alright," I asked Bella as she just nodded her head and took in the scene before her. Jasper and Emmett were blatantly making out as my mother stormed from the room shouting about ungrateful children, and little Laurent danced around his dads with a grin plastered on his face.

"Does this mean Daddy Jasper can finally take me to the park?" Laurent asked as Emmett stopped the mauling of his husband and turned to grin at his son.

"Sure does little buddy! I think it also means Jazzie can go with me to see the Seattle production of Oklahoma next month," Emmett declared excitedly. "I have so much to thank you for Bella. Do you like show tunes? I can sing them all, just tell me which one is your favorite and I'll belt it out for you. What about Christmas Carols?"

Emmett suddenly broke out into 'Santa, Baby' but his style was a little more Madonna than Eartha Kitt, as he began prancing just a little too much. Jazz smiled brightly and little Laurent kept clapping his hands as I let out a small groan.

"Uh... thanks Emmett, but I'm not a big fan of anything of the show tune or carol variety. I kinda prefer stuff that is on the radio."

Without a second thought, Emmett broke out into the absolutely worst version of Poker Face I had ever heard as I watched Bella fight back the laughs. All this shit and we hadn't even made it up to my room yet.

"Let's go put our stuff in my room," I announced as Emmett began kissing Jasper again and Laurent ran away screaming about something called Yo Gabba Gabba. Of course, right at that moment my mother reappeared with a scowl on her face.

"Bella is going to stay in Alice's room. She should be arriving any minute now with her 'friend'" my mother declared, using air quotes to describe whoever Alice was bringing. "There are two twin beds in Alice's room, so don't even think about any hanky panky."

"Where is Alice's friend going to stay?" I asked, curiously. Usually Alice's friends stayed in her spare bed, but mom didn't seem to want to be gracious to Alice's friend either.

"The pullout couch in the basement."

"What...why?"

"Apparently her friend loves to sleep in the dark and finds pain refreshing. Who am I to deny them?" my mother replied with a shrug of her shoulders. "I'm trying to be open-minded."

"About some things," I replied under my breath as Bella grabbed my forearm and smiled graciously at my mother.

"I'm perfectly fine staying in Alice's room. Thank you, Mrs. Cullen." My mother nodded in response, though generally she would invite people to call her Esme, she wasn't doing that here. She clearly had an issue with Bella and I was going to fix that shit as soon as I could.

"It only makes sense dear," she replied with an evil grin as the stupid cat came up and began winding her way around my mother's ankles. "I don't let my children sin in my house. No sleeping in the same room as your spouse until you are legally married."

"What about Jasper & Emmett?" I asked, as I began to feel angry.

"They are legal in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont. If it's good enough for the folks that make the fabulous Vermont Maple Syrup, then it's good enough for me."

"Fine," I replied, my body tense as I grabbed my and Bella's bags and we made our way to the stairs. "I will get Bella settled in Alice's room and then we will be back down."

"Alright," my mother said as she bent down and began to scratch Snickers behind her ears. "Just remember dear... god and Santa are always watching you. I'd hate for Christmas to be cancelled because your girlfriend can't keep her hands to herself."

"Jesus, your mom is fucking creepy," Bella commented as I practically pulled her up the stairs and let out a huge sigh. "She needs some of what your dad is smoking or some Xanax, maybe some electroshock therapy."

"From your lips to Santa's ears," I declared as I opened the door to Alice's room and turned on the light. Bella and I both screamed in surprise as we watched some skinny kid half dressed in black leather with white paint on his face scream and dart from the bed shouting about the lights killing him.

"What the fuck, Edward?" Alice suddenly shouted as I did a double take, shocked to see me formerly girly and fashion conscious sister sitting on the edge of her bed with short spiky black hair, a studded collar and dressed in all black.

"I should be saying that to you. Who or what in the fuck was that?" I shouted angrily as Bella gripped my arm and kept her body hidden behind me.

"That was Lone Wolf, my life partner and soul mate."


	6. Chapter 6

**You guys are awesome... like beyond words. Plus, you seem to have the same sense of humor as us, which is awesome. **

**We don't own Twilight. Snickers and Lone Wolf are all ours :)**

**BPOV**

"Lone Wolf?" Edward turned to me with giant eyes and repeated himself over and over and over. "Lone. Wolf?"

I tried to smile at him, tried to look supportive, but honestly, I was in completely uncharted territory. "I'm guessing that was Alice?" I asked as the small spirited girl stepped into the hallway, heading after her 'friend'.

He nodded, looking from the rumpled overly pink twin bed to the hallway and back again. "Lone Wolf?"

"And I'm guessing that she's..." Jeez, how did I put this, "maybe changed a little bit since you've last seen her?" Somehow I felt like that was putting it mildly. The sound of glass shattering made me restate my question. "Changed a bit since ANY of you have seen her?"

Cue the shrieks and tears...I couldn't quite tell if it was Emmett, Laurent or Mrs. Cullen. I did, however, know from previous experience that it was not Jasper.

Edward tore down the hallway towards the stairs, dropping our bags along the way since he was still holding on to them out of shock. I leaped over them, dodging each hurdle and begrudgingly admitting that maybe the ballet lessons I suffered through at the suggestion of my mother weren't such a bad idea after all. Plus, Edward did love it when I wore my old leg warmers.

And nothing else. You know I totally packed them.

"Edward, maybe you should let them sort this out on their own," I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back away from the stairs. His shoulders were up by his ears and his mouth was opening and closing repeatedly, like he wanted to say something, but couldn't find the words. Honestly, I totally understood where he was coming from. To say that the past hour had been bizarre would be quite an understatement. And to think that I'd thought Edward had been exaggerating about his family.

Holy cow, had I ever been wrong.

The look on his face when we interrupted his sister and her boyfriend slash soul mate slash whatever it is/was, I thought Edward was going to cry. I mean, from everything I had heard about Alice, she made Disney Princesses look masculine. Apparently those days were O-V-E-R over. The Edward Scissorhands look only worked on Johnny Depp...and that's only because he's Johnny Depp and can do no wrong. Not at all. I mean, have you seen the man? Hotness.

Don't tell Edward.

And there were two of them. Was it wrong that, deep down inside of me, I was fist-pumping just a little bit? Was it wrong that my immediate thought was that Mrs. Cullen would be horrified by her daughter's appearance? Was it wrong that I wanted to be downstairs when she first saw them? Because I really, really wanted to see her reaction and maybe see her precious little bubble burst. Maybe I could go right up to her and prove to her that I wasn't as horrible as she thought I was because Lone Wolf looked like Marilyn Manson next to me. Because I did...to all of that. Okay, so maybe I was still a little upset about the idea of a kids' table, but I had my reasons. No twenty-five year old should be relegated to the kids' table. Ever.

I lowered Edward down to one of the steps, sitting on one behind him and pulling him between my legs. We listened as the chaos continued, some of it supersonic, some of it unintelligible.

My hands found their way to Edward's shoulders and I cringed as I felt the knots and resistance beneath my fingers. I was determined though, and eventually he started to relax back into my body and his color returned to normal.

"Mary Alice Cullen, what in god's name have you done to yourself?" Mrs. Cullen screeched as we heard some more glass shatter and them feet stomping, I would guess because the rest of the family was gathering for the storm.

"I've discovered my true self," Alice explained, trying to remain calm. "Lone Wolf helped me to realize who I truly am, and we are in love."

"Are you out of your ever-loving mind?"

"I like it," Laurent shouted happily. "Auntie Alice looks like a ghost at a funeral!"

"Bella?" he murmured as we listened to the threats of emergency trips to the hair salon and promises of obscene piercings, "I'm sorry and I love you."

"I love you too, baby." Because I did.


	7. Chapter 7

**Enjoy the first of today's updates. There may be 2, there may be 3...we like to keep you guessing.  
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** Snickers maintains that she's not a bad kitty, she's just misunderstood.**

**EPOV**

"I feel like I should go in there and diffuse the situation or something," I admitted as Bella gave a small sigh behind me. Yes, I had this urge to please everyone. Sue me.

"Where's your dad? Shouldn't he be doing this?"

"Now that you mention it, he has been pretty quiet. Let's go find him," I said simply as I grabbed Bella's hand and led her through the house, avoiding the kitchen where a rumble was about to go down, and we headed outside to the backyard. We passed my mother's prize winning roses and when I noticed the lights on in my father's little shed / man cave, I knew he was home.

"What the hell is this?"

"My dad's clubhouse?" I replied with a shrug of my shoulders. "Emmett calls it his 'sticky shack' but I think that just sounds gross. He also suggested 'hot box' but that just reminded me of sex and my dad and sex are two things I should never think about at the same time."

Bella squeezed my hand tightly in hers in an attempt to reassure me. "So this is his weed hut?"

"Yeah, basically," I replied as I knocked a random pattern on the door and heard a loud cough as my dad called out to wait a minute. "Would you believe me if I told you he was cleaning up all his paraphernalia right now?"

"After today, I will never doubt you about anything," she answered sincerely as I kissed her temple, just as my dad thrust the door open and gave me a cheeky smile.

"Ah, Edward... you've been away far too long, son." My dad pulled me into a big hug, my hand not releasing Bella's because I needed the connection it afforded me. "Are you turning into a corporate big wig up there in Seattle? Wooing all the ladies? Not dipping your pen in the company ink are you?" Bella cleared her throat beside me and gave my dad a small smile.

"Mr. Cullen, it's nice to meet you. I'm Edward's girlfriend of two years, Isabella Swan," she said and offered her hand as my dad looked at me confused, but took it regardless.

"I thought you were single and ready to mingle," he attempted to whisper, but he failed miserably and was virtually yelling.

"Dad, I told you last time I was here that I was dating someone seriously. Don't you remember?" I watched as my dad attempted to think back in his memory, but then his face took on an interesting look and he glanced between us oddly.

"You must be Bella! When did you guys get in?"

"Fuck me," I replied as my dad and Bella just smiled politely at one another. Thankfully, a loud crash from the house and more yelling reminded me of my true purpose for coming to his fortress of solitude. "Right... Alice came home from school looking like one of death's minions and she brought a boy who she calls Lone Wolf. Mom is freaking out and she probably needs your help."

"Why? She knows where the rifle is. If there's a wolf in the house, she's probably better equipped to handle it than I am."

Oh my god, this was even more ridiculous than I thought it would be and we'd only been back home for an hour.

"Mind if I try something that used to work for my gran?" Bella asked as I motioned to my dad, offering her a chance to try anything.

I was shocked when Bella grabbed his ear and pulled him from his little smoke hut and pulled him towards the house. "Your wife needs your help, your daughter is a freak show and you are busy toking up. You're not fooling anyone Mr. Cullen, so get your ass in that house before I confiscate your stash."

"You wouldn't?" Carlisle gasped dramatically as Bella offered him a sly grin.

"Try me."


	8. Chapter 8

**We have been trying to set up a time to talk with Snickers and get her side of the story, but she wants to do this on her own terms. Something about holding out for money... **

**So while we wait, here is update 2 of 3.  
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**BPOV**

Carlisle totally didn't think I was being serious and I could see the wheels turning, so to prove it to him, I took a quick glance inside his clubhouse. Leather couch, bookshelves, model train circling a track along the walls, a...bingo. "You keep it in the phone on your desk."

He stared at me, "How did you?"

"Don't ever doubt me. I may not say a lot, but I take everything in. Now go help your wife or your daughter. Hell, even the freak inside, just do something before your son decides this is his last Christmas at home." The expression on his face changed and he narrowed his eyes a bit. I could feel Edward tensing beside me, like he wanted to put himself between me and his father, but I squeezed his hand letting him know I had this. That I needed to do this. I was not some spineless girl that needed the love of her life to justify her existence. That was why Edward and I got along so well. That and he was completely useless when it came to assembling anything. The boy _cannot _read instructions.

"I think I like you a lot, Bella. You and I are going to get along just fine." Carlisle chuckled softly and continued. "I hope you make yourself at home here and if you need anything...ANYTHING..." The wink wink, nudge nudge was totally unnecessary here, but I played along. "...and I do mean anything, you two know where to go."

"Dad, I don't think..."

A quick elbow into Edward's ribs put a stop to that word vomit before hit happened and through my teeth I assured him that we would discuss this later. We were here for five days at a minimum, I wasn't about to rule anything out.

"So, now that you've straightened out my father, what's next on your to-do list?" We continued to watch as his father walked towards the house. "You know, it's more than a little hot when you take control like that."

He pulled me back against his body and there was no mistaking the direction he was going with this conversation, "I think you know exactly what's next on my list. I want to march inside that house and take you upstairs. And when we get upstairs, I want to you to get on your bed."

Edward's eyes turned impossibly darker and he swallowed hard. He nuzzled into my neck, tracing up the side of me with his nose until finally, he gently took my earlobe in his teeth and begged me to continue.

"And while you're on your bed, waiting for me, I'm going to take my bag and go into the bathroom. When I come out, I'm going to have..."

Before I realized what had happened, I was sitting on my ass in the cold, wet grass. Edward was flailing around like he was being electrocuted and a blinding streak of whiteness flashed before my eyes.

When Edward finally calmed down enough for me to get near him, I noticed that the hem of his pants leg was completely shredded. Blood had started to appear around his ankle and there were telltale scratch marks on his skin. And they were not from me.

Apparently, when I came out of that bathroom, I was going to have to have some Neosporin and a few band-aids.

Not exactly what I had originally planned, but it was obvious that Esme, I mean, Mrs. Cullen had minions and did NOT play around. When she said no smexy times, she meant it.

As I helped Edward hobble up the stairs, I noticed Snickers sitting on her little red velvet pillow by the french doors leading to the back yard innocently cleaning her paws. I swear she was laughing.

"Tomorrow," I vowed doing that two fingers eye to eye gesture. "Tomorrow, it's on."


	9. Chapter 9

**Update 3 of 3 for today.  
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**We still don't own Twilight. But CPW has baked lots of yummy cookies and Risbee has a basset hound on her lap.  
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**Chapter 9**  
><strong>EPOV<strong>

In hindsight, we never should have walked back into that house. I knew better. I had lived through this crap for over twenty five years and though it shouldn't have fazed me, it did.

"Edward, can you settle this argument for us?" Emmett called as I pulled Bella along with me, not wanting her out of my sight out of pure fear. Who knew what anyone in my family would get up to if I wasn't there to supervise? As we walked towards him, I could hear Alice still fighting with my parents about her 'friend' and why they arrived earlier and never told anyone. I shook my head and realized I didn't want to know what was going on there.

"What do you need?" I asked my older brother as I stood near the stairs, my ankle starting to throb slightly.

"We're watching a year in review about fashion and I told Jasper that Lindsay Lohan looks like a farmer in those clothes and he completely disagrees. What do you think?" I closed my eyes and let out a slow groan as I looked at my brother and his life partner, who were being completely serious.  
>"Why can't you ask Alice? This is her kind of question, not mine."<p>

"Oh well... we're both kinda..."

"My daddies are scared of Auntie Alice and her wolf," Laurent said from his spot on the floor where he was busy coloring aka massacring a picture of Santa Claus. "Daddy Jasper thinks she might curse at him and he'll turn into a... what did you call it?"

"I said she might put a curse on me and turn me into a... um... a donkey."

"No, the word you said started with an A..." Laurent corrected him as I let out a small snort.

"You must have heard me wrong," Jasper said as he patted Laurent on the head and he went back to his artwork. I moved towards the stairs, deciding to take myself out of the conversation when I heard Jasper pipe up. "Did you hear that they call her fire crotch? Could you imagine the embarrassment?"

"What's a fire crotch?" Laurent asked inquisitively as I stayed put, Bella covering her mouth to drown out her laughter, and waited to hear Jasper's reply. "Is her crotch really on fire? Do we have to call 9-1-1 and wait for the firemen to put it out?"

"No... no... just no. It's a figure of speech, don't worry about." Laurent let out a little huff and I had to admit, I mirrored his disappointment. I was really hoping for some words of wisdom from my brother-in-law regarding the specifics of a fire crotch.

Bella grabbed at my hand again and I followed her up the stairs so that she could help me with my ankle that Snickers had mauled at. Fucking bitch. The cat, not my girl.

"I wish I had a nurse's outfit. It would make this 10 times hotter," Bella admitted as she knelt before me in my bedroom and began to clean the wounds before bandaging them. I smiled brightly, even though it hurt like a son of a bitch, because I was picturing her in nothing but one of those cheesy stripper nurse's hats. Suddenly, I didn't really give a shit that we were in my parents' house. I really, really wanted to be inside of her.

When Bella had finished, I patted the bed softly, inviting her to lie down beside me. When she did, I didn't hesitate to begin kissing and touching her, wanting to show her how much I loved and adored her. Unfortunately, our time together was short lived when I heard footsteps stomping down the hallway and distant voices grew closer.

"You are being a fucking hypocrite, mother," Alice shouted as she suddenly stopped in front of my room, which I had stupidly left the door open to, and glared at us. My hand may have been down Bella's pants at that moment, which made Bella turn a particularly deep shade of pink as I pulled it out with my sister and then my mother watching. "You are letting Edward and Bella sleep together in the house."

"I am not! Edward, get out of that bed this instant," my mother yelled as I she stared at Bella, like she was to blame for the situation. I groaned as I stood on my sore leg and my mother took a second look at me. "What did you do?"

"Your cat attacked me," I replied simply.

"Snickers wouldn't hurt a fly, would you baby?" my mother said as she picked up the cat that appeared out of nowhere and began to scratch behind her ears. It was like she knew I was talking about her. "Anyways, Bella is sleeping in the room with you Alice and Edward will sleep in here with um... the Lone Ranger."

"It's Lone Wolf," Alice shouted indignantly as my mother rolled her eyes.

"Yes, yes... whatever."

"Uh... he's not sleeping in here," I stated firmly. There was no way I could handle sleeping in the same room as him.

"Don't worry, Edward. He'd rather sleep in the basement anyways. He can't have any light when he sleeps." Alice was dead serious and though I was suddenly relieved that he wasn't staying in my old room. I was also really concerned about the stability of this kid she had brought home with her. "He prefers to stay pale." Pale, translucent... same shit.

"That's fine I guess," I replied as I watched Bella yawn and realized how late it was getting. "I think we are going to turn in for the night, so I'm going to say goodnight to my girlfriend... privately."

"No coitus," my mother declared firmly, as I slid my palm down my face. Yeah, there was no way I was getting it up now. My mother motioned with her hand, first pointing at her eyes and then at me and Bella, to imply that she was watching us, before she strode away talking to the cat like it was an infant. Alice stormed into her room and slammed the door, leaving me and Bella with the privacy I wanted.

"I'm sorry... this can only get worse before it gets better."

"Good thing I love you then, right?" she replied with a small smile before leaning in to kiss me. Before I even had a chance to respond, Bella was wishing me a good night and walking out of the room.

Fuck... holidays sucked.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks again for reading our madness. CPW hates cleaning almost as much as Risbee hates Duke and Snickers hates Edward. For the record, that's alot.**

**We do own Twilight. There we said it. We also own Google, Apple, Disney and Microsoft. Each night we roll around naked in all our money!**

**BPOV**

I woke up to the delicious aroma of coffee and bacon. I felt like one of those cartoon characters that was pulled by the nose by a smoky stream of goodness. I don't remember getting out of bed, moving my feet or getting down the stairs, but somehow found myself sitting in one of the bay windows with the sun on my shoulders and liquid gold in my hands.

Edward was on the couch with Emmett and Jasper; Laurent perched on his lap while they watched reruns of The Muppet Show. It was eerie how much his crazy hair made him look like Animal. He looked at me questioningly when I giggled quietly to myself, but I just shook my head. Some things are better kept quiet.

Alice and Lone Wolf were in the dining room eating vegan pancakes and discussing how they shouldn't eat anything that cast a shadow while Esme was loaded the dishwasher and Carlisle read the newspaper. Things seemed almost...normal. Even Snickers seemed to have settled down. I may or may not have brainstormed about how to deal with devil cat. Something effective, but that wouldn't leave scars. I was just waiting for the appropriate time and when there were fewer witnesses.

Maybe yesterday was just crazy because of the chaos of everybody arriving, meeting new faces and whatever else. Surely every day wasn't like that. It certainly seemed like things were better today and for Edward's sake, I hope it stayed that way.

"I need to run into town to pick up some pies for Christmas dinner, anybody want to ride with me?" Esme walked into the living room, smiling at her children and wiping her hands on an apron. She looked so matronly all of a sudden, but then yesterday she seemed like a battle-axe. I wasn't sure which personality I was dealing with.

"Me! Me! Me!" Laurent went screaming across the living room in his footie pajamas to wrap himself around Esme's legs, clinging like velcro, as Emmett & Jasper followed in his their matching pajamas.

Too cute.

Obviously they had reconciled over their celeb-style differences and I sort of melted at the way they constantly touched or looked at each other. It was not in your face or overly suggestive, it was subtle. A smile here, a raised eyebrow there. A pinkie touch. You could tell that they really did love each other and as I watched Emmett, I noticed many similarities in how Edward was with me.

It made me rather swoony.

"Alice, dear? Shouldn't you go wake up Lonesome Dove and see if he has any interest in going? He might like to learn more about your childhood and the way you used to be?" Esme called out to the dining room. Bless her heart, she was trying - though I was pretty sure I did see her slip a flask into her pocket before she came out of the kitchen. Hey, there was nothing wrong with being prepared.

"Mother," Alice rolled her eyes, continuing to eat. "His name is Lone Wolf and he's sitting right here. You could at least acknowledge his existence."

"Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! It is just that his skin makes him completely blend in with the table cloth. They are the exact same shade of white, is that..." She leaned forward almost like she wanted to touch his face, but pulled back at the last second. That was probably for the best.

"It is okay, Mrs. Cullen. I already know everything I need to know about Alice. It is not important where she has been in her life; it is where she is going that is important. But I do need to make a run to Wal-Mart if there is one on the way."

What the fuck? Lone Star shops at Wal-Mart? That just seems...so...contradictory.

"Be right back," Edward whispered into my ear as I watched all of this play out. He walked into the kitchen, disappearing down into the basement before reappearing a few minutes later with a giant Tupperware container filled with gift wrapping supplies. I started to ask him what he was doing, but he just shook his head.

"How long do you think you'll be gone?" he asked the crowd of family that had gathered around, even Carlisle was there looking at a nearby plant with longing. "I need Bella to wrap presents for me and since we're not allowed upstairs together, I need to know you'll be gone long enough for her to get them all done."

"Edward, I...ouch!"

Wait, did he just kick me?

I didn't understand. I wrapped all the gifts for his family before we made the trip. They were in a box upstairs in his room and I didn't remember him buying anything else.

"And besides, I think it would be good for Bella to call her parents before their cruise leaves port." He handed me his phone and shooed me out the door as I looked back briefly with a very confused expression on my face.

What in the world was going on?


	11. Chapter 11

**Enjoy the holidays and fuckery? You should also check out Risbee's o/s called Reindeer Games. It was part of the holiday readalong tonight. CPW also has a christmasy short story called 'The Only Exception' that you should check out. Bring on the holidays.  
><strong>

**We own Twilight. Yeah, we said it. Sue us.**

**EPOV**

Okay, so I was basically flying by the seat of my pants in trying to get some alone time with Bella, but I had no idea how much it was about to backfire on me.

"Why does Bella need to wrap presents? Don't the elves in Santa's workshop do that?" Laurent asked, curiosity clear in his eyes as I felt a hand smack against the back of my head and I looked to see my mother scowling at me.

"Oh... well..."

"Bella's one of Santa's independent contractors," Jasper shouted in a panic as everyone froze and looked at him. "She helps him with wrapping duties and he pays her off in candy canes. She's also a spy...so she updates the naughty or nice list for him."

"Really?" Laurent asked excitedly as Jasper nodded his head.

"Yup. Which means that she will be watching to make sure you go to bed on time, eat all your dinner and are behaving properly."

"Uh oh," Laurent replied as Jasper quirked his eyebrow at him. "I guess I should go let Snickers out of that box in the basement."

"Laurent," Emmett chided as the youngster made a run for the basement with Emmett and Jasper hot on his heels. On a positive note, I was beginning to wonder why the cat from hell wasn't bothering me so far this morning.

"You're not fooling anyone, Edward. You want to stay home and knock boots with your little floozy, and in the process you almost ruined your nephews Christmas. Carlisle, you can stay home and make sure these kids stay on the straight and narrow," my mother exclaimed.

"Mom, I want to stay home anyways, so why don't you and Wolfie go together. Don't get the entire family involved in a major trip just to buy pie and go to Wal-Mart," Alice suggested as I rubbed at my eyes just as Bella came back into the room. Wolfie... seriously?

"Fine," my mother declared as she looked at Lone Wolf with her finger raised as though she was going to poke him in the chest. "I got my rabies shot last year, so no funny business."

"I'm not really a wolf, Mrs. Cullen. I'm just trying to express my own individuality through my personality. I believe in equality, creativity, and independence. People should be able to do whatever they choose with their life. Therefore, if I choose to be a bi-sexual man in a relationship with the most beautiful and loving woman I've ever met, that is my right. If I choose to pocket mulch," he explained, as he lifted his hand from his pocket and sure enough, there was a pile of dirt there, "than that is also my right."

"You're a what?" my mother questioned as I felt Bella's fingers thread through mine and squeeze gently.

"I'm bi-sexual, Mrs. Cullen. Certainly, as the mother of a very out and proud gay son, you would have no issue with this."

"What fucking planet are you from?" my mother blurted out as Alice looked at her absolutely horrified.

"Perhaps you need to have a more open mind, Mrs. Cullen. Maybe you should enjoy some of the ganja that your husband partakes in on a regular basis."

"I do not... partake in ganja," Carlisle shouted as Bella giggled beside me and turned to bury her head in my chest to hide her reaction from the rest of the family.

"You shouldn't be ashamed Mr. Cullen. My father uses it for his glaucoma and there are millions of people around the world who enjoy Mary Jane just as much as you do."

"Okay, that's it. I'm going by myself for the pie," Esme stammered as she walked away muttering something about Mary Jane and cleaning pockets. I couldn't help but feel disappointment surge through me.

"So much for alone time," I said genuinely as Bella wrapped her arms around my waist and the rest of the family dispersed.

"Think positive... now we can spend a little time with Laurent. As I was coming back in the room, I offered to baby sit him for Emmett and Jasper, who wanted to do a little last minute shopping."

"Oh... well that could be fun."

"Yeah, but the kid was feeling up my pockets and asking for candy canes, so we could be in trouble."


	12. Chapter 12

**Happy Holidays! 6 days till Christmas and still 15 chapters of this fuckery to come.**

**We own Twilight. Yup, we do. Wanna rumble for it?**

**BPOV**

"Oh! Let's watch The Grinch! No, wait - Shrek the Halls! Oh snap! They have A Christmas Story in here!" Edward could barely contain himself as he looked at the movie options splayed out on the counter in front of him.

"Oh snap? Did you seriously just say that? Really?" I gripped the countertop to try and keep from collapsing on the floor. I could not. stop. laughing. "How old are you again?" I wrapped my arms around Edward's waist, pulling him away from the avalanche of DVDs and Blu-Rays so I could get in there and take a look.

Christmas Shoes? I quickly grabbed it and shoved it in a drawer. There was no way in hell we were watching that. I was so getting on Emmett and Jasper for owning that one.

"Shut it. Look, everybody is gone for a couple of hours and even with Laurent, things are calmer now than they probably will ever be again, so let's just pick out a movie and watch it. If you're lucky, maybe we can sneak away for a little..." He looked around covertly, making sure we were alone and that there were no little ears anywhere close by, but before he could complete that thought, I covered his mouth.

"Shhhhhh...I'm convinced the walls have ears." I placed a quick kiss on the lips that I missed desperately and grabbed the first DVD I saw and walked over to pop it in and turn it on. Sure it was still technically morning, but the sun was warm and there was a couch and a cuddly blanket. The idea of a nap wasn't a complete impossibility, I mean, Laurent was only what? Three? Four? He still took naps, right?

"Come on, kiddo. Let's snuggle." I patted the cushion as I sat down and he nestled in, fitting perfectly in the space beside me. I turned the lights down, Edward pulled the curtains shut and A Charlie Brown Christmas started playing.

All in all, it was a pretty kick ass morning.

"Why are you crying, Bella?" Laurent looked up at me with his big brown eyes and I just hugged him. I couldn't help it, when Linus wrapped his blanket around the base of that sad little tree, it got me every time.

A cutie pie in my lap, holding hands with the love of my life...I could get used to this.

So warm.

So comfy.

So sleepy.

So much of a surprise when I woke up and saw Edward asleep in the chair next to me and no sign of Laurent beside me, or anywhere in the room for that matter.

Shit!

"Shit, shit, shit, shit...SHIT! Edward, wake up. Laurent is gone!" I flung off the blankets and started looking everywhere as Edward was slow to wake, but followed my lead. Cabinets, the laundry room, the basement stairs...please don't let him have fallen down the stairs...the library.

There was no sign of him.

Edward came in from the backyard trying not to look panicked, but I knew him well. "Okay, I'm going to call Emmett and let him know they need to come home. Bella, you call 911. After I get off the phone, I'm going to drive around the neighborhood. He's got short legs, he can't have gone too far, right?"

"Right." And after we found him, I was going to pack my bags and leave this place forever because there was no way I was ever going to be able to look a Cullen in the face ever again.

I didn't have a good signal in the house, so I started to walk to the front porch when I glanced over to the Christmas tree and saw a suspicious lump under the tree skirt. A lump that giggled when I tickled it. I was so relieved to see Laurent that I didn't even care that he had unwrapped every gift that had been so thoughtfully arranged under the tree.

I'd let Edward figure that out.


	13. Chapter 13

**We're back yet again. There may even be another update later today :) We're determined to have this complete by Christmas.**

**We own Twilight, except our version has much more smut. That version is not this story :) Also, this is one of CPW's favorite chapters. You'll see why.**

**EPOV**

"What did we miss?" Emmett called happily as he walked in the door with his hands clasped tightly in Jasper's, with my mother following behind, a scowl plastered on her face. Alice and Lone Wolf pulled up the rear, neither of them looking very pleased.

"Nothing," I said simply as I glanced down at the tree where all the gifts had been re-wrapped, although not in their original wrapping. I didn't really think that anyone would notice, but personally I thought it was stupid that we had some gifts under the tree already. We had a precocious four year old who still believed in Santa here. Some pretenses should be kept up.

"Really?" Jasper asked, his face ripe with confusion.

"Yeah, everything was just fine. We settled in and watched a movie with Laurent. How did things go at the store?" Bella strolled up beside me, with Laurent at her feet. We had made a deal with the little scamp that so long as he didn't tell anyone about opening the presents, we wouldn't tell Santa he was bad. So far, so good.

"The store was horrible," Alice shouted angrily. "Mom is unbearable and they didn't have the socks I wanted." I swear to god, my sister was actually pouting over socks. "I kept looking in Seattle for these really cute toe socks, and even this shitty town doesn't have them. Do we live under a rock?"

"Alice, don't be so dramatic," my mother sighed as she carried her bags into the kitchen and we all followed, though I really didn't want to. I wanted to scoop Bella into my arms and run upstairs, locking the door behind us so that we could manage a few minute alone. Considering how wound up I was, a few minutes was all I needed.

"She's right," Emmett declared as he wrapped his arm over Alice's shoulder and held our sister to him, attempting to be supportive. "Christmas isn't about socks."

"Did you know that in some cultures, presents are brought by Baby Jesus and not Santa Claus?" Lone Dog interrupted, surprising all of us.

"Where did you hear that?"

"Modern Family. I'll watch anything with Sofia Vergara," he announced without remorse as Alice looked offended beside him.

"Is that what you want? A loopy latina who you need subtitles to understand?" she questioned with her hands on her hips.

"Did you know if I was at home in Texas for the holidays I'd be mixing up a bathtub full of eggnog and trying to squeeze a greased hog into a Santa hat. You don't think I don't miss that?" Jasper stated as the room grew silent and everyone looked at him in confusion. "What? I was just trying to point out that maybe we should focus on the family and the things we have, rather than the things we don't. It's not about socks or Sofia Vergara, it's about the birth of Santa Claus."

"Actually, it's about the birth of Jesus Christ," I corrected as Jasper furrowed his brow and looked at me like I was on fire.

However, the fire alarm suddenly started to go off and we all began to panic. My eyes immediately looked for Laurent, wondering what sort of trouble he had gotten into, but then I smelled the distinctive smell of something actually burning and Laurent was now in Emmett's arms.

Everyone began to run from the house as my mother grasped her cell phone, preparing to dial 911 as we stepped outside. However, as we darted through the living room, we saw my father attempting, and failing, to use a fire extinguisher on my parents' couch, which was on fire.

"What in the hell?" I called out as Jasper ushered the family outside while Emmett and I attempted to help my father. There may have been a few squeaks of panic from Emmett, but for the most part he was holding it together. "What on earth have you done?"

"Nothing," Carlisle replied, his face unmoving and showing no remorse. "It's the couches fault."

"Did it spontaneously combust?" Emmett questioned as I finally got the fire extinguisher working and I managed to put out the fire. Unfortunately the couch was ruined.

"I guess the couch did it to itself? I guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense," I shouted as my father looked down, a hint of remorse on his face.

"Fine, I may have... dropped my match after sparking up my j, but it's not my fault the couch went up so easily. It was just... woosh..." My dad said, his arms waving wildly, showing how quickly the fire started. "It's probably made of something flammable."

"You think?" I asked with a yell before storming from the house to let everyone know that everything was under control...for now.


	14. Chapter 14

**Yep, three updates today. Count yourselves lucky. We consider ourselves lucky for having such awesome reviewers!**

**We own Twilight, fucking right we do. CPW is also the new owner (well lil CPW is) of 5 Wiggles DVD's,courtesy of Risbee. Owning Twilight is better!  
><strong>

**BPOV **

"Pssst, Bells. Wake up."

I tried to gauge the time based on the amount of light coming through my eyelids. I was not impressed that there was none. It was obviously still way too early to be awake. So I wasn't going to be. Nope. "Go back to sleep, Edward. Too early." I mumbled, hoping that what I was coherent enough because really, that took way too much energy.

I heard him chuckle a bit before pulling the down comforter away from my feet, which I immediately pulled in closer to my body, protectively.

"I know your kryptonite sweet cheeks, and I'm not afraid to go there."

Turning my head and cracking open one eye, I tried my hardest to let him know I was not amused. Look at him, all hot in his flannel and plaid and scruff. Looking like he could show a girl a good time in the woods. But my bed...it was so warm.

In the other bed, Alice moaned and rolled over and Edward moved so fast, it was like he had super vampire speed or something. He was, poof, gone, and I sat up finally realizing that he had snuck into his sisters' room at his parents' house and that we weren't back in Seattle.

Whoa. That was pretty stupid. I wasn't confident that Esme didn't have those high tech light beam alarms and my head was filled with the vision of Edward going all Mission Impossible to get in here. Though Edward was way hotter than Tom Cruise ever dreamed of being. Well, in anything after Top Gun, anyway.

That reminded me; I wanted to talk to Edward about possibly joining an adult volleyball league. Yum.

From the hallway, a bag of clothes was launched through the door and landed on my bed. Inside were my favorite jeans, my hoodie and a note. _Get dressed, don't wake anybody up, and meet me downstairs. We're getting out of here for the day._

Suddenly, I was the one with super fast vampire speed. The idea of spending some one on one time with Edward was way more important than coping with the fact that the sun wasn't even up yet. I could always nap later.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, he was standing there looking like Bear Grylls with a travel mug full of coffee and a thermos. I wasn't sure why I was still wearing pants. I heard a cough from the den and looked at Edward in a panic.

"Don't worry. That's just dad. He's planning his attack. He always does his Christmas shopping on the 23rd and he does it all in Forks."

Seriously?

"It's pretty awesome to see what he manages to come home with. Didn't I show you the picture from last year of all of us in matching Snuggies?"

"No, but you will later." I needed to see that picture. Esme in a Snuggie...oh, that would make things so much better. "So, where are we going anyway?" I rested my head on his chest, inhaling and breathing in the scent of outdoors and testosterone and hoping beyond hope that kept us away from here all day.

"No idea. I have a few ideas, but it all just depends on where the day takes us. I'm leaving my phone here and nobody has your number, we are free and clear until we decide to come home." He reached over and traced his fingers along the side of my face, tucking some hair behind my ear and leaning in before he froze.

And whispered.

"Whatever you do, don't move. Don't. Move. It's the cat. She's on to us."

That's it. If and when Edward and I decide to live together, we're getting a dog.


	15. Chapter 15

**We would hug each and every one of you beautiful reviewers if we could.**

**We own Twilight. No really... look on our bookshelves. We've both got it.**

**EPOV**

So, I had no solid plan in place other than I wanted to get us the hell out of the house. Bella was quick to jump on the bandwagon and we were out before anyone could stop us. Well, Snickers might have tried, but the little bitch can't talk, so that worked in my favor. That, plus my dad offered her some cat treats just as we were leaving, which distracted her.

After driving around aimlessly for a little bit, I decided to give Bella the longest tour of Forks in the history of man. We drove by Forks High School and I showed her the football field and a few other seemingly memorable locations. We also visited the Forks Diner for some breakfast and I took her out to La Push to see the beach and the ocean. Over all, I was proud of my tour guide abilities. That is until we decided to walk along Main Street and Bella wanted to go into a small bookstore.

"Edward Cullen? Is that you?" I heard the tentative voice of Angela Weber call out. I may have cringed slightly, but I turned and gave her my best smile as Bella stayed at my side. "Wow, it's been forever."

"Yeah... umm... hi, Angela. How are you?"

"Oh you know... same ol' same ol'. Ben is the new pastor and we've got five little rug rats running around," she said as I watched her eyes dart to the front of the bookstore where a veritable police line-up of children was screaming and yelling up a storm.

Angela and Ben had been inseparable in high school and, of course when they announced their engagement shortly after graduation, everyone assumed she had been knocked up. Everyone assumed right! After all, teens who get married only do it because they're pregnant, right? Needless to say, I wasn't shocked to see Angela with such a rambunctious brood of kids.

"Angela, this is my girlfriend, Isabella Swan," I said quickly as Bella held out her hand politely, before I turned to her. "Honey, Angela and her husband Ben went to high school with me."

"Did you hear what happened to Tanya?" Angela asked, after the two women had exchanged pleasantries. My heart fell to my feet and I really didn't want to discuss this topic around Bella. She knew of my rocky relationship with Tanya, but bringing it up now wasn't exactly the sort of conversation I wanted to endure. Before I had a chance to respond, Angela was yelling at her children. "Braden and Bradley, stop pinching your sister, and Brianna... take your finger out of your nose."

"You have quite the group there," Bella commented as she tightened her hold on me and I wrapped my arm around her shoulder possessively.

"You want one?" Angela quickly asked, her voice serious before she cracked a slight smile. However, Bella and I were both a little frightened. "I'm just kidding with you."

"Anyways, I have to get this group off to the church and then I need to repent for my sins."

Um... alright.

"It was great seeing you, Edward. Don't be such a stranger." I breathed a sigh of relief and we wished Angela a Merry Christmas as she tried to wrangle her kids into a mini-van as they all screeched and hollered about not being able to go into the store. As we heard the door slam behind her, I heard her voice one more time.

"Oh and Edward... if you see Tanya, let her know we're praying for her."

What the fuck?


	16. Chapter 16

**I think we're gonna go with three updates today, which means one more after this. Also, after much deciding (not really) we are going to write a Snickers POV. I know, be excited.**

**We own Twilight. The soundtrack.**

**BPOV**

I'd never met Edward's ex-girlfriend, Tanya. I didn't know much about her, and I didn't particularly _want _to know much about her, but that didn't keep me from not liking her at all. However, when I heard Angela mention praying for Tanya, a little part of me felt guilty. What was wrong with her that warranted praying? I mean, we were only 25. Cancer? Accident? Implant leak? - I'd seen pictures and there was _no _way those were real. No. Way.

As we watched Angela and her kids head for home, I started thinking. It was Christmas, Esme obviously had some sort of grudge against me and I knew that she really, really liked Tanya. Hearing that there was something going on made things all start to come together.

We needed to do something for Tanya. Something benevolent, something helpful and something that made me look like the better person. What better way is there to make somebody feel better than pie?

During one of my futile attempts to endear myself to Edward's mother, I offered to help make dessert for Christmas dinner, but I was informed that several things had already been ordered from a local caterer. If it was good enough for Esme, then that was obviously where we needed to go.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?" he answered, still watching Angela try and shove her large and far too excitable brood into her late model Swagger Wagon.

"That caterer that your mom loves so much, is it near here?" I gathered up a few books that looked interesting and started walking to the cashier. "I think we should get Tanya some cookies or a casserole or something. I was raised to give food to people when they were going through some sort of hardship and I think it would be nice. Nobody should ever be miserable during the holidays."

He looked a little nauseous at my suggestion. "Are you feeling alright? Do you need to sit down or maybe get some air?" Really, he looked a little gray and I started to look for a chair or bench or something.

"Can we just call them?" he asked. "They'll deliver and we don't have to worry about disturbing Tanya or catching anything, if she's contagious or whatever."

"But I don't know what they have and maybe they'll know if other people have sent meals or what her favorite menu item is...come on Edward, it will only take a few minutes."

"What if I beg?" While that was rife with potential, I really did want to do this right. There was something inside of me that felt like this might be the olive branch that would make Esme like me. That and my mom raised me right.

When we got to the nondescript blue building, Edward hesitated and closed his eyes before pulling me to the side of the building. This couldn't be good. "Promise me something," he said before touching my cheek softly. "Promise me that before you jump to conclusions, you'll give me the chance to explain."

"What in the world are you talking about?" I was starting to worry. One, that something was terribly wrong and two, that he'd think so little about my faith in him. "There is nothing you can tell me that would scare me away. I've spent the night with your sister, remember." He rolled his eyes and I worried that maybe that joke was a little bit too soon.

"Mrs. Cope...the woman that owns this place. She _thinks_ we have a history."


	17. Chapter 17

**CPW is finally home from the airport after picking up her stepdaughter and she and Risbee and back to their usual fuckery. a Snickers POV has been written and will post at the end, which is chapter 28.  
><strong>

**We own Twilight. Well CPW owns those movie companion books.**

**EPOV**  
>My chest tightened as we walked into 'La Petite Cochon', but I felt a surge of relief when there was no one in there. The anxiety came back seconds later as we heard mumbling in the back followed by the deep moan of an older man.<p>

"Shit, let's get out of here," I said tensely as I grabbed Bella's hand, but she reached out and roughly tapped the bell on the front counter. The dinging noise sounded loudly through the small shop and we could hear more whispering and mumbling before Mrs. Cope finally made an appearance from the back. Her gray hair was up in its usual tight bun, but her face was covered in flour and the buttons on her blouse weren't done up properly.

Fuck, I think I caught a glimpse of her bra.

"Oh my, if it isn't my favorite Cullen. Edward, it's been far too long since you've come to visit me," she said excitedly as she came from around the counter and I clutched Bella's hand tightly for support. Mrs. Cope raised her hands, no doubt to squeeze my face and kiss me on the lips like she always did, so I pursed my lips tightly and prepared for her assault. Fortunately for me, it never came.

However, it was because as she was coming around the corner, she snagged her skirt on the edge of the counter and she was left in only her apron covering up her granny panties. "Oh no... this is so embarrassing," Mrs. Cope announced as she backed away quickly, my arm draped over my face in mortification as Bella simply fought the urge to laugh her ass off. "I'll be right back, dearies."

From the front we could hear her mumbling about losing her skirt and there was laughter from a distinctly male voice. Who in the hell did she have back there?

When she came out a few moments later, she had completely redressed in to a new dress, her apron back in place and everything covered, leaving me to breathe out a sigh of relief.

"Mrs. Cope, it's a pleasure to finally meet you. I'm Bella, Edward's girlfriend," Bella said sweetly as she extended her hand to my former boss. Yes, she used to be my boss.

Back in high school, to save money, I used to do deliveries for La Petite Cochon. I even had a baseball cap that looked like a pig's head to wear to my deliveries. The money was decent, especially for a high school kid, but the fact that Mrs. Cope harbored a little crush for me and often used to pinch my cheeks, and not the ones on my face, made me hate the job. Every time I came home during college, my mother always insisted we stop by and visit the store, but I was reluctant, as you can see.

"Bella, it's wonderful to meet you also. What brings you two by the shop today?"

"Well, I wanted to do something really nice for Edward's former girlfriend, Tanya. We've heard she's been going through a bit of a rough time as of late and I thought that maybe some comfort food would help the situation," Bella said, without a hint of jealousy as Mrs. Cope coughed loudly and a gray-haired man walked out of the back room with a grin across his wrinkly face.

He patted Mrs. Cope on the ass and gave her a mischievous wink before promising to come back later in the day with more sausage for her pie. I may have throw up in my mouth a little bit.

"Oooh, I think a meat pie would be a wonderful thing to give Tanya. What do you think Edward?"

Before I had a chance to reply, Mrs. Cope was quick to respond. "I don't think that girl eats meat anymore, dear."


	18. Chapter 18

**We often wonder why the hell you guys read this shit, but then we read your reviews, and a lot of you seem related to this particular kooky brand of Cullen. We wish we had some of your family mishaps when coming up with this story :)**

**We own Twilight. We're also Santa, the Easter Bunny and a Leprechaun all rolled into one :) **

**BPOV**

"Okay, so let me get this straight? Tanya is _not_ a vegetarian, but she is a lesbian. Good lord man, what did you _do_to that girl?" Emmett could barely control his laughter as we recounted our story about Tanya and having to have a sparkly dildo surgically removed and her resulting decision to swear off the peen for what had to be the 800th time since we finally got Mrs. Cope to spill the beans. "I mean, no offense to your female bits Bella, but there is nothing better in this world than a good, long, hard cock."

As soon as the word left his mouth, he looked around in a panic and you could see the relief wash across his face when he realized that Laurent was not in the room with us. "I'm not ready to have that conversation yet, if ever, with my son. I'm absolutely making Jasper do it. Sue me."

Edward mumbled something about disagreeing with him, but honestly, I was inclined to agree with my penis loving friend. Not that I remembered what sex was like since we'd managed not even a second of naked time since we arrived in Forks. That was beyond cruel and unusual and I checked my watch to see what time it was. Forty-eightish hours and we'd be on the way back to Seattle and Edward would be naked. Just try and stop us Esme, I dare you. You too, cat.

"You alright?" Edward asked.

"Yeah, why?" He was looking at me with amusement; did I have food on my face? Did he draw on me again?

"You growled a little. You don't typically do that when we're in public." He started to run his finger between the waist of my jeans and my skin, knowing exactly what that did to me. Traitor.

So I did the only logical thing a girl could do in my position, I stomped on his foot and changed the subject. "So what's the plan for the rest of the day?"

It was Christmas Eve after all and the house was in a state of organized chaos, Esme was taking the pies and cakes out of their containers and putting them on her own dishes, not that she was fooling anybody. Lone Wolf, or Jacob as we found out his real name was, and Alice were...well, I'm not sure what they were doing, but it looked like it would hurt. Carlisle was in his office wrapping gifts and Edward and I had a side bet going on whether we would all receive Chia Pets or matching Forever Lazys from his dad. Awesome.

"It's pretty low key, actually. Those who want to go to church tonight go, those who don't want to go, well, don't. I think Alice & Loner are sacrificing a reindeer in the backyard in lieu of religious festivities. We run gifts to the neighbors, start cooking food for Christmas dinner, drink lots. Basically we just sort of spend time all together and pretend to be a normal family." Edward looked so relaxed and at ease, more so than he had the entire time we had been here.

Sure his family was fucking nuts, but part of me really, really loved it. Growing up as an only child, I didn't have this - at least not to this extreme - so in a twisted perverse way, I felt privileged to be a part of it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Happy Birthday & Happy Holidays to FFLoverLaura. She loves this story just as much as we do, though we have no idea why. We're contemplating getting everyone who has reviewed this fic a mental health check for Christmas / Chanukah / Kwanzaa / Eid / Festivus or whatever else you celebrate. One more update today :)**

**Big Thanks to the girls at TwiFicZone who rec'd this madness today. Follow them on Twitter. They rec only the best fics, obviously :)**

**We own Twilight and the cutest most mischevious Laurent in fic.**

**EPOV**

"When does Santa get here?" Laurent asked impatiently as we waited for my parents to return from the church service they had attended.

"After you go to bed," Emmett replied, his voice showing his impatience, since this was the eighth time Laurent had asked since we settled in to watch 'Shrek the Halls'. The show was only half an hour long, but we were all beginning to turn into scrooges. Hell, I think even Bella wanted to yell Bah Humbug.

"When do I get to put out the milk and cookies?" Laurent asked, yet again.

"Right before you go to bed," Jasper said sweetly to his son as he ruffled his hair and turned back towards the television.

"What if I can't sleep tonight?"

"Then Santa won't come."

"Will I hear footsteps of the Reindeer on the roof? How will Santa get down the chimney if there's a fire going? Does he get frequent flier miles, if so, he can fly to like the moon... right, Uncle Edward?" Laurent was adorable, but he was a persistent little thing I was at my wit's end.

"Sure, Laurent," I said, trying to placate him as the final credits rolled on the show and everyone breathed out a sigh of relief. It was time for my nephew to head to bed, and I think everyone would agree, that it was about time.

As soon as the cookies and milk were left out on the table, for my father to enjoy when he had the munchies, Emmett and Jasper ushered Laurent up to their room. I grabbed Bella's hand and pulled her into the kitchen with me once they were out of sight. Once we were alone, I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her sweetly, relishing in time alone with her.

"I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas," I said simply, trying to hide my anxiety over the gift I had gotten her. I had shown it earlier in the afternoon to Jasper and Emmett to get their thoughts and they both were pretty happy with my choice – both in the ring and in potential wife – but it was hard not to stress. Asking someone to marry you, especially in front of family, was a major step.

"I'm looking forward to getting back to the city and having you all to myself," Bella said breathily as she kissed my chin and I lowered my head, kissing her sweet lips with abandon. "I honestly don't think we've gone this long without sex since we met. It's finally getting to me."

"We could sneak out and umm..."

"We could? Yeah?"

"Yeah," I replied with a smirk as my hands gripped her hips and I pulled her against me. She wasn't the only one who had missed the constant fucking and if I was being perfectly honest, a good hard release would probably ease some of my tension.

"Where could we go?" she asked, her body ripe with excitement as I gripped her hand in mine and we headed down the hallway towards the front door. We grabbed our coats, my mind working a mile a minute as I tried to think of where the hell we could go. Hell, I'd even settle for a room at the shitty ass Pine Cone Hotel in town if it meant an hour of peace and quiet while making love to my girl.

Unfortunately, just as my hand gripped the door knob, the front door flew open and in walked my parents, snow covered and looking tired and annoyed. "Where are you guys going on Christmas Eve?" my mother asked, her eyes narrowed as she glared at Bella.

"Caroling," I said suddenly, shocking even myself, as Bella gripped my hand harder.

"Oooh... did I hear somebody say Caroling?" Emmett asked, much too enthusiastically, as he and Jasper made their way to the bottom of the stairs. "Let me grab my coat and hat. I'll go with you."

Fuck my Christmas.


	20. Chapter 20

**We're a little late with tonight's update. Blame CPW who was playing Simpsons Clue with her family. It was Lisa Simpson in the Androids Dungeon with the Plutonium Rod, and she won.  
><strong>

**We own Twilight. Yes we do.**

**BPOV**

I stared at Emmett. I glared, I winked and I went cross-eyed. I made subtle head gestures and not so subtle hand gestures. I was this close to making a flashing sign.

There may have been tears.

Edward sighed behind me and I rested his head on my shoulder.

"Guys, this is going to be so much fun!" Emmett was bouncing up and down on his toes and clapped. "Let me go get Jasper and we can start at the end of the street and work our way back here." He ran inside the house at super-speed and if I took the chance to grab Edward's hand and start pulling him towards Carlisle's 'office' in the backyard.

"Where are we going?"

"Shhhhh...I don't want anybody to hear us."

"There is snow on the ground, Bella. If they want to find us, it won't be too difficult to follow our footprints."

Fortunately I had a plan.

I walked over to some green shrubby thing and broke off a branch, ignoring the look of horror that flashed across Edward's face and his muttering about Esme and her garden club. I didn't fucking care. If I didn't get some action soon, I was _this close_to driving to Tanya's house and asking to borrow the sparkly dildo.

As I walked back to Edward, I dragged the branch behind me and it at least partially hid our steps. I was counting on Emmett being so blinded by his excitement that he wouldn't even realize that we weren't with them as they went door to door spreading Christmas cheer. At the very least, it would give us a head start.

I had no idea where we could go. Stupid snow messing everything up. Then I remembered the boxes that Esme had placed in all the bedrooms the day after the couch fire. Fire escape ladders.

Problem solved. Thank you very much, _Mrs. Cullen. _You too, cat.

"You're growling again." A voice whispered in my ear. Then I was shivering, and throbbing. And I swear my jeans started to unbutton themselves. I hurriedly whispered the plan to Edward, thrusting the branch into his hands and...t_hrusting...unf..._running towards the front door. I channeled all my years of Community Theater and by the time I rounded the corner, I had tears streaming down my face and I pretended to furiously dial my phone.

I ran past Emmett and Jasper, avoiding the sheet music they tried to hand me, and I heard Edward explain to his confused family that I realized that this was the first Christmas Eve I had ever spent away from my family.

I ran up the stairs and straight to Edward's room, opened the window and waited.

I absolutely did not shove Snickers in a closet on my way either. Nope. I didn't do it.

We were so going to be on the naughty list.


	21. Chapter 21

**We both have a lot going on today to get ready for the holidays, so there will only be two updates. Blame Snickers. You already know she's responsible for everything.**

**Since CPW decided to leave me alone for the day, I own Twilight. She can try and take it back from me later.  
><strong>

**Chapter 21**  
><strong>EPOV<strong>

I'm pretty sure Alice her 'friend' heard us, but I didn't give a shit. Bella had been right that we needed some time alone to ourselves and thankfully, because almost everyone in our family, with the exception of Emmett and Jasper, hated criers, they avoided us.

Well, they did avoid us until about ten o'clock at night when my mother came knocking at my door.

"Edward... are you and Bella coming out soon?" she asked, her voice somewhat timid, which made me suspicious. I could hear a gentle tinkling sound, which meant Snickers, the devil cat, was with her. She was probably sitting out there sharpening her claws and perfecting her evil glare or plotting world domination.

"Yeah, we will be out in a few," I said as I looked over at Bella, curled up on her side with a satisfied grin on her face. "Bella is just having a hard time being away from her family. You know how it is."

"Yes, we do understand, Edward. This is why we have a surprise downstairs for Bella." I froze and glanced at Bella who had a look of pure horror on her face. There could be nothing good about this surprise, especially if my dysfunctional family had something to do with it.

"Just give us a few minutes, Mom," I called out as Bella and I didn't move, listening for the sound of her footsteps, or the tinkling of the stupid cat, as they walked away. It didn't take too long, and once we figured my mother was out of earshot, we turned to each other, my old bed sheets pulled up under our chins, both of us silent and suspicious.

"Whatever has happened in the last few hours can't be good."

"They are your family. How much trouble could they get into?"

"A whole hell of a lot. Have you not been paying attention the past few days?" I asked with a laugh as I sat up and pulled my boxers on awkwardly before climbing out of bed. "Come on, put some clothes on and let's go figure out what is going on. Then hopefully I can sneak you back into my room and we can have a repeat of earlier. I'd really like to spend the rest of the night diddling your skittle."

"You're an idiot," Bella grimaced, but stood up and began putting on her own clothes. I wanted to stay in bed, I really did, but if we didn't get up then my family would be even worse to deal with.

Once we were dressed and looked presentable, we descended the stairs and found Jasper and Emmett standing at the bottom of the stairs singing Mele Kalikimaka in perfect harmony. Bella and I looked at each other confused and then they parted to reveal a palm tree that was crudely decorated in lights and a few old or broken ornaments.

"Merry Christmas," my family said in perfect sync as Bella's eyes grew wide and she was suddenly speechless. Without saying a word, she suddenly dropped like a rock, sat on the stairs and this time I thought her tears might be real. "What's wrong?"

"She's from Arizona, not fucking Hawaii!"


	22. Chapter 22

**CPW is back from her day visiting Toronto. Risbee is all packed and ready to go spend time with her own 'special' family who is not unlike our Cullens.**

**CPW owns Twilight and Risbee has to come and get it if she wants it.**

**BPOV**

It was all suddenly too much.

The cat.

The singing.

The Ally Sheedy wanna be and her Lonesome Dove.

The pot-smoking arsonist.

The palm tree with synchronized lights that blinked on and off to Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.

The fucking cat.

I watched as Snickers folded his ears back and took a flying leap at the tree, attacking it with a ferocity that would make lions on the Serengeti jealous.

My legs gave out and I sat down on the steps, halfway up the stairs, and laughed until I couldn't breathe and had tears running down my face. Again.

Then it happened. It was like the waters parted and Esme came towards me with her hand outstretched. In it was a bedazzled flask.

"Really?" I choked through my tears.

She nodded and I punched Edward as he made some comment about how it was a Christmas miracle in a really horrific Dickensian accent.

I opened it and took a swig of something that burned like hell and tasted like fire, but I did not react. Esme took it back with a look of admiration and went back to her kitchen while Emmett and Jasper tried to disentangle the cat from the lights.

"You can stay in Edward's room tonight," Esme said as she walked away. That was it. No elaboration, no acknowledgment, no response as Alice shrieked about how it wasn't fair that the Lone Ranger couldn't sleep with her.

I was so in.


	23. Chapter 23

**You guys are the best! We'd give each of you little christmas / hannukah / kwanzaa/ festivus gifts if we could. **

**We own Twilight. We also own this crazy incarnation of Jasper & Emmett. We picture them as those two gay dudes from Modern Family.**

**EPOV**

I woke up the next morning to screaming. Actually it was more like wailing, and it was seriously fucking annoying. Bella was curled up against me, her head resting on my chest as she mumbled something about tasting fire. I wasn't about to ask what was going on, but I was determined to make that noise stop.

Unfortunately when I moved my body, in an attempt to get out of bed, Bella woke. "Are you leaving me on Christmas morning?"

"Not technically. I'm about to do a Cullen Christmas Massacre. It's six in the morning and I need to murder whoever in the hell is making that awful screeching noise. I wanted a few more hours to curl up with my wi... woman," I stammered, catching myself before I called Bella my wife.

Sure, I was going to pop the question in a few short hours, but I didn't need to let the cat out of the bag. I had enough problems with cats these days.

"Okay, then hurry back to me, alright?" I nodded my head and kissed her temple before hopping out of bed and pulling on some sleep pants.

As I made my way down the stairs, I passed Snickers lying under the mangled Christmas palm tree. I'm pretty sure he was just waiting to attack me as I turned my back, so I opted to walk backwards for a while, keeping my eyes focused on the little terror. The odd noise continued, getting louder, as I passed through the living room and was startled to see my brother and his husband half naked and dry humping each other on the floor.

Oh my god. That noise was Jasper!

"It's Christmas morning, what in the hell are you guys doing?" I shouted as I covered my eyes and startled the couple on the floor.

"Jesus fuck, Edward. What are you doing?"

"I'm wide awake thanks to your husband squealing like a pig. Get back to your fucking room, it's early."

"We're too excited to sleep," Jasper said smoothly as he leaned in and kissed Em again. "Plus, Laurent is fast asleep. I can't thank your brother _properly_for his Christmas gift with our son in the next bed."

"Go anywhere else. Hell, go to your car. No one wants to hear you guys humping like lubed up animals in the middle of the living room."

"That's too funny! Em got us a vacation to a gay resort in Fort Lauderdale for Christmas. We can be lubed up animals together," Jasper said as he gave a very unmanly pig squeal and they were suddenly all over each other again.

"Fuck."

"Don't mind if we do," Emmett declared as Jasper suddenly began to giggle and I saw my brother's hand go inside Jasper's pants.

"Oh no... there will be no fucking in this living room," I yelled loudly. Before I could convince the boys to go anywhere else, Bella and my mother came down the stairs talking animatedly like they were the best of friends. It's amazing what some time and booze can do.

"Edward, since you didn't seem to be coming back to bed, I came down to find out what was going on," Bella said as she and my mother both surveyed the sight before them. "Your mom asked if I wanted to help with breakfast."

"Oh," I said disappointed as everyone headed into the kitchen and I breathed a sigh of relief that no man-love would be going down in the living room. At least not at the moment.

Then again, no one would be going down upstairs either, effectively ruining my plans for a festive Christmas morning.


	24. Chapter 24

**Happy Holidays! Risbee is traveling to visit her 'wackadoo' family and CPW is about to enjoy lunch with her co-workers before begging to go home early to make some french-canadian meat pies.**

**We own Twilight; 'nuff said.**

**BPOV**

Once Edward woke me up, that was it. There was no such thing as sleeping in on Christmas morning. Yes, I was _that_kid that woke up at four in the morning ready to see what Santa had put under the tree. I was pretty sure that my parents 'accidentally on purpose' told me the truth about Santa so my gifts would be under the tree a week ahead of time. Then, we'd go eat dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon so we could all be asleep by 6 and they wouldn't be so miserable the next morning.

It was our own non-traditional Christmas tradition. I really missed them right now.

Not that I wasn't having fun here with Edward's family. Esme and I had just put a yummy looking breakfast out on the counter and I was watching everybody pile up their plates with delicious goodness.

As we were eating, I noticed that Emmett, Edward and Alice were suspiciously quiet. They kept looking at each other and just acting...strange. Which, considering the way this entire family had acted over the past few days, was saying a lot. "Is everything okay?" I whispered discreetly to Edward, "I feel like something is up. Why is everybody so..." He answered me with a slight shake of his head and I was instantly worried.

What in the world was going on?

"Well, now that everybody has finished with their plates, it is time to open presents!" Esme hopped up out of her seat and took off like Usain Bolt for the living room. "Carlisle, clear the table and remember to load the dishwasher like I showed you."

"I'll help!" All three of the Cullen kids chimed in, but Esme told them to sit down.

"Damn it...I knew it was too good to be true."

"Well, maybe it won't be as bad this year."

"Who are you kidding? Every year is worse than the year before."

I sat there staring at all of them wondering what in the world they were talking about, wondering if I should be concerned, when I noticed Carlisle laughing in the kitchen. It couldn't be that bad...could it.

Esme came walking back in the room carrying 3 flat boxes and handed one to Emmett, Edward and Alice who all looked like they were in serious pain. Peeking over Edward's shoulder as he opened it, I shrank back in horror. There was no way that was real. It was some kind of cruel joke...a nightmare...who would do that to a person.

Lonely Island looked as horrified as I did and Jasper was quietly consoling Laurent, who was trying frantically to get away from all of us.

"What the hell is that?" I whispered to Edward, not wanting to touch it, frighten it or even look at it, but I couldn't _not_look at it either. It was kinda like a train wreck or a car accident, where even though you don't want to slow down to look, you have to. It can't be helped.

"It's a sweater."

As he took it out of the box, somewhere an angel started to cry.


	25. Chapter 25

**Here is the last update of the day. It is hard for us to believe that by this time tomorrow, the madness will be complete. **

**Risbee has survived the first day of forced family fun and CPW is in wrapping hell.**

**We still own it.  
><strong>

**Chapter 25**  
><strong>EPOV<strong>

I got the reindeer sweater.

Alice received the snowman sweater.

And poor Emmett got one with sugarplum fairies on it. They were dancing. My mother looked so proud I couldn't voice my real thoughts on Emmett's overtly gay sweater.

'Where did you buy such lovely sweaters?" Only the Lonley asked sweetly as his cheeks burned red from holding back his laughter.

"Oh, I didn't buy them," Esme said excitedly. "I made them myself. It's a family tradition. In fact, Jasper... here's yours," she added as she handed him yet another flat box with a smaller one on top. "There's also one for Laurent. At the rate this family is growing I'll have to start on next year's batch tomorrow."

I looked at Jasper as he opened his box, a sweater with I don't know what that is.

"Um Mom... what is on Jasper's?" Even Jasper's face was one of confusion.

"It's Elf on a Shelf."

Ohh... what the fuck was that?

"Oh for Heaven's Sake, Edward. Elf on a Shelf is a Christmas tradition, apparently even in the south where Jasper was raised. Parents would put out the elf and basically scare their children into believing that the elf was watching them for Santa to see who would be on the naughty or nice list. Did you have one Jasper?"

"No ma'am, but I now have one in hand knit sweater form," he replied all too sweetly as he helped Laurent slip on his sweater, which had a small gingerbread man on it. Fuck, they were all ugly as sin, but mom was so proud of herself and having such a wonderful Christmas morning, I couldn't ruin it for her.

When I glanced over at Bella, her face was awash with both humor and sadness. Did she want a hideous holiday sweater of her own? Little did she know that next year she would most definitely have her own hideous sweater. That was of course provided she said yes to my proposal.

I wasn't quite sure when I should propose, but I knew I couldn't do it right off the bat. The rest of her gifts would be anti-climatic in comparison.

Once everyone in the immediate family was in their sweaters, my dad came back into the room to join us wearing his own sweater. I did a double take and laughed into Bella's shoulder as I realized my dad was wearing a sweater that was supposed to be 'Holly and Ivy' but was actually a marijuana plant. And he thought no one knew. Nice try old man.

"Is it time to open the presents?" Laurent asked excitedly.

Most of the presents under the tree were for him, Emmett and Jasper choosing to spoil their son in earnest for his first real Christmas. I knew Bella and I had a few presents under there for each other, but my primary gift was tucked in the pocket of my pajama pants, practically burning a hole.

"Yep, it's almost time," my mother said happily as Snickers stepped into the room dressed in horrible cat sized sweater with a partridge in a pear tree on it.

It was the first time I ever felt bad for the damn thing.

Nah, the little bitch deserved it.


	26. Chapter 26

**We're reaching the end of our crazy little story. This is the first of three updates today.  
><strong>

**Since CPW is still offline, Risbee has decided to claim Twilight as her own this morning since she gets a little emo when stories come to an end.**

**Chapter 26**  
><strong>BPOV<strong>

Apparently Santa wrapped all the gifts he left in this house - including the stocking stuffers. Candy, oranges, chapstick, you name it. Basically, if it was a stationary object, it was covered in wrapping paper and bows or ribbon.

Thankfully Santa was as much of a gift-wrap snob as I was. The paper was substantial, the folds were sharp and the edges were smooth. I didn't know who was responsible, but they could tie a mean bow and I was very, very impressed. I may or may not have a fascination with wire ribbon. I loved the stuff and couldn't wrap a gift without it. None of those flimsy bows for this girl. Nope. Not allowed. Though I was ashamed to admit it, if I was given a gift wrapped without it, there was judging - though I was working on it. Thankfully, that was not going to be an issue in this house.

Setting aside some of the ribbon I had managed to discreetly confiscate for future use, I snuggled beside Edward in his wonderfully awful googly-eyed sweater and looked around the room.

This was what Christmas was all about. Watching Laurent's eyes get bigger and bigger as he took inventory of all his new toys and trinkets. Listening to Esme tell stories of years past as she nestled against Carlisle, content and surrounded by her family. Emmett and Jasper free to love each other from disapproving stares and judgments. Alice and Lone Wolf out of direct sunlight.

And most importantly, Edward...happy.

Edward...moving.

Edward...down on one knee.

Me...saying yes.

Not even Snickers, who was glaring at me, could ruin this moment.


	27. Chapter 27

**Last official chapter, ladies. Thanks for all your love and support for this wacked out crack fic :) Snickers POV will follow tonight :)**

**We own Twilight and right about now, CPW hates Christmas. Risbee is probably too drunk to notice it's Christmas :)**

**EPOV**  
>I had no idea what the hell to do at first. My nerves had gotten the better of me as I noticed all the presents had been unwrapped. Before the entire family disappeared to play with their new toys or try on their assless chaps, yeah that's what Jasper got for Christmas, I decided to just do it. What could go wrong right?<p>

So, with a huge smile plastered on my face, I moved closer to Bella and dropped down onto one knee, pulling the ring from my pocket as my hands shook nervously. In my periphery I could see my entire family smiling and waiting patiently for me to ask. However, I never got the chance.

"Yes," Bella shouted just as I opened my mouth to speak. "Yes. A million times yes." I slipped the ring onto her finger and breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't even have to ask her and she was agreeing.

"Well, that was easier than he expected," added Emmett from beside me as I wrapped my arms around my now fiancée and kissed her soundly on the lips.

"You were nervous about it?" Bella asked, her smile stretching from ear to ear as I noticed she kept glancing down to look at the ring. "Trust me; there was no reason for you to be nervous. I would have said yes if you had asked me on our second date."

"Of course I was nervous about it! This is a major thing for you and I, Bella. I didn't take this lightly and there was always that little thought in the back of my mind that you would say no, especially after meeting my family."

"Hey, we take offence to that," said Alice snidely as Bella and I both laughed. "No really, that wasn't nice."

"Alice, face it... we're all a bit nuts here."

"Speak for yourself."

"He's right, Ali," Lone Wolf said with a small grin. "I mean... I'm strange, but your family is over the top weird."

"Says the boy with enough makeup on his face to pass as a drag queen," Jasper offered as Lone Wolf rolled his eyes.

I had to admit, when Lonesome Dove came up from the basement with black and white face makeup on this morning and looking like he just came home from a KISS concert, I was a little concerned. He had kept it kind of low key since the first day, usually sticking to just guyliner or black lipstick. However, my mother seemed pleased by the turn of events. Then again, I think she was already drunk on spiked egg nog.

"I was just trying to be festive!"

"Festive for what... a funeral?" Emmett added with a snicker.

"Kids... shut it," my dad finally added as he looked at his grandson with a grin on his face. "You think you could handle being married one day, Laurent?"

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."


	28. Chapter 28

**This is the end our friends. It's been a fun ride and we are thrilled you came along with us. This chapter is for all you lovely ladies who requested a Snickers POV.**

**We own Twilight. CPW is watching The Sound of Music and is about to leave out the milk and cookies for Santa, right after she spreads reindeer food on her lawn. Risbee is probably playing Apples to Apples with her family!**

**Merry Christmas!  
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**Snickers POV**

I know what has been said about me. I've heard the rumors, murmurs and the death wishes. I hear them all, and they are all blatant lies.

Every.

Single.

One.

I have spent so much of my life being misunderstood by those that just can't possibly understand. I have a reputation to maintain, a lifestyle to lead and greatness to be. My life is ridiculously difficult and exhausting, trying to make sure these humans do what I want them to.

Just look at them all - smiling, happy and looking like absolute idiots in those repulsive holiday sweaters. They giggle incessantly, annoying the hell out of me, as they open their presents, trying to act excited when they get a magic wallet or a Slanket. I cringe and cover my eyes with my paw when I see Esme open up a box with Pajama Jeans in it. What the hell was Carlisle smoking when he chose that? I refuse to stand near her when she wears them.

Sorry _my_ Esme, my darling, darling pet. I still love you most of all. Well, excluding myself of course.

I am a cat after all and that is cat rule #1 - Love Thyself Most of All.

They are so...plebian. Falling all over themselves congratulating Edward and that new girl with that Cracker Jack bauble on her finger.

Though it is...rather...sparkly.

Must. Have. Sparkly.

I want to get closer to see how I can have it. It matches my collar and my food bowl and would look absolutely ravishing on my velvet pillow.

My dearest Esme always wants what is best for me and I will just have to make sure she gets it for me, because it is what I want. Perhaps my purring and rubbing all up on _my_Esme will convey my wishes and my desires. I'm not above making biscuits, but not in public.

I am willing to pay a small price, but I do still have my pride.

I wonder how I can get New Girl to bring it to me. I will stare at her with my hypnotizing eyes, forcing her to bend to my will and give me what I want. It will be done. I will own her just like I own everybody and everything in this house, with the exception of Edward. He's been suspicious of me and my motives for years, and none of my plans for his destruction have come to fruition. It's not for lack of trying either. He's just as sneaky as me and though I should respect him for it, he just serves to annoy me more.

**cough** **cough** **choke** **retch**

Hairball.

Ugh, I am so embarrassed. But as usual, it is most definitely not my fault. I have fallen behind on my grooming habits since Edward has been home.

_(Snickers takes a break to lick her fur, taking over ten minutes, and looks rather smug when she is done.)_

I actually had a speck of dirt on one of my pads and I loathe him for it. He has never conformed to my ways, always wanting to do what _he_ wants to do instead of what is best for me. I will never ever forgive him for wanting a dog instead, which is why I must always punish him.

It is not an attack, it is behavioral reinforcement. Why must he force my paw? Does he think I actually _enjoy_ having to bite him? He tastes horrid, no matter what that New Girl says. She must have never tasted his ankles, but that doesn't surprise me at all. I heard some unforgettable things when I was locked in that closet. Oh there will be hell to pay for that. Just wait until they go pack their suitcases to leave. I'll give them a little something to remember me by, perhaps in the form of me relieving myself on their luggage. I bet that reindeer sweater would smell wonderful after I soil it.

I saunter closer to _my_ Esme, my tail wagging proudly and grinning like a Cheshire cat as I see she has put her Pajama Jeans to the side, clearly disliking them as much as I do. I curl up to her side and rub my head against her palm until she lifts it up and begins to pet me, just like I want her to. I purr like the common people and watch as _my_ Esme requests to see the New Girls shiny bauble.

My eyes glitter as the ring comes closer and I ignored the fact that _my_ Esme has stopped petting me and is enthralled by the glistening ring. I'm in love with it too. So much so that as soon as it comes near enough, I swat for it with my paw, desperate to get it.

"Fucking cat," I heard Edward, the bane of my existence, groan. He pushed me away and made sure that the ring was safely back on his girls finger. I may have growled at him before I put my ears down and arched my back, edging closer to Edward.

I saw his eyes narrow, once again anticipating my move, so I simply began to lick my paws. Once again, biding my time until I could get him alone.

I wondered briefly if I could get Esme to have them get married at the house, thus ruining their special day in so many ways. I grinned again as I began plotting.

Happy holidays to me.


End file.
